Meet Me in the Real World

A GenX Guide to Getting Off the Couch and Back into Community

Running away to build a cabin in the woods is all fine and great until you realize you’ve gone days… even weeks sometimes… not talking to a real human who doesn’t already live on your property. Social interaction and connection are at the heart of our basic human needs, and by the time you realize that need isn’t being met you’re probably feeling pretty stumped on how to get started. Sure, you can scroll and post like most people do to fill that quick dopamine fix, but is that real connection? Is that meeting your needs?

As I reintegrate into society after a few years of being a general homebody, I’m going to share with you a few tried and true ways I’ve made real friends as an adult. Not every trick is for everybody, so take what you can use and let go of the rest.

Claim a Space: Pick a spot that suits your interests and make yourself a regular. This could be a library, a coffee shop, a busy park, a small music venue, and :gasp: even a bar. Yes, you too can be a barfly and the drinking is entirely optional! Those episodes of Friends or Cheers, or How I Met Your Mother… they’re not as tropey as you think. Back before we relied on social media to do all the catching up, we used to rely on meeting up in person at a favorite spot to hang out and be social. It should be somewhere that lends itself to foot traffic, has a place to sit and chill and talk, and be a cozy welcoming environment. It should be easily accessible and unpretentious. Bonus points if it’s free or cheap to spend a large amount of time in.

We usually refer to these locations as “Third Spaces”; a place that is neither home or work where we can unwind and spend time. It’s also important to pick a spot that aligns with your interests so that the people you meet there also most likely have similar interests that can help you bond. This is why dive bars with a constant stream of live bands always worked for me. When you’re there, talk to strangers. Talk to the staff. Talk to the wall if you need to, but be social! Use open body language and allow yourself to be approachable if your goal is to meet people. If you build a routine where you visit around the same time on the same days you’ll start noticing other regulars and build familiarity… this is a great sign you were meant to interact.

Once you establish yourself as a regular, that’s when the real magic happens. That’s when you notice these third spaces sit at a cross-section in the middle of MANY people’s lives. It’s neutral ground where the existing regulars feel comfortable inviting first-timers and making introductions. It’s a networking spot and a safe “home base”. A place where just stepping inside makes you feel less alone in the great big overwhelming world. A place where you can feel seen and supported and cared about without having to make a big deal about it. And best of all, a place where you can, in person, pre-screen and personally select who you would like to spend more time with using more than just their curated social media personas, and exchange contact info to take that friendship out of the coffee shop and out into the world for bigger adventures and better connection.

Office Hours: This one is my favorite, and one I never did stop practicing, but it relies on already knowing people IRL and INTENTIONALLY CARVING OUT DEDICATED TIME FOR FRIENDSHIP.

As I build out our little tiny home compound I’ve kept what the kids are now calling “Office Hours”… a predictable schedule of time that my friends and family KNOW I’ll be home and open to visitors. A few snacks in the fridge and a few drinks in the cooler. A cozy spot on the porch to sit and have a conversation. Friends stop by, either with warning or without, to sit and catch up one-on-one or to get counsel on an issue they’re struggling with, or in some cases, a dose of “smother mothering” if they’re feeling a little in-anchored in the world.

Having office hours doesn’t necessarily have to be in-person… it could just be a known time where you are guaranteed to answer back messages or pick up the phone if someone calls. The idea is that you are open and accessible and there’s never a feeling that you are inconvenienced by your friends’ need for your attention during that time. That you are both excited to hear from them and honored to warrant direct contact instead of having to sift through their socials to get the latest update… as if anybody is really posting their life details on those socials anymore. That kind of behavior is going the way of the dodo these days anyway.

Newsletters: Now this one I’m on the fence about (as I literally type this up in my own newsletter). For those of you with more adventurous lives than mine has been lately, a newsletter-type format might be the best way to go for keeping your friends feeling connected and updated. It could be an email blast or a single routine social post or even an old-school printed zine that you mail to their physical address. I have one friend who does that last one and I treasure those little booklets more than he could possibly imagine.

The idea is that you curate the big news and little anecdotes that make up your daily life and turn it into a handy little storyboard that makes up your newsletter. Then you make sure to tuck in your office hours, when and where they can find you at your third space, and any big events you’re going to in the near future in case someone wants to join you. You send this out to a VERY curated list of real-life-vetted friends and see how all these ways of connection tie together. Technically, this is the purpose most social media USED to serve before the algorithms started suppressing content and rewarding rage bait. The reason I am on the fence about it is that it can easily become a tool for stalking and harassment if you’re not diligent about the distribution, and it kind of feels like homework if you’re not normally a spell-it-out kind of person.

Phone Tree Day: Now this is more for emergency management and rallying the troops. Sometimes life happens and you need to activate your friend circle as fast as possible, and not all situations are appropriate for broadcasting on social media. This is where the phone tree comes in, and yes, I do mean that moment in Practical Magic where they activate the phone tree to get all the women to come together and help the sisters out.

I live in tornado territory so the most obvious use of my phone tree is to reduce the number of check-ins a single person has to do when a twister passes close-by. In a more generalized sense, say a person in your friend circle has a car accident or a death in the family and you want to make sure they are supported and cared for in the coming weeks without making them feel like they’re under the spotlight but also without waiting for them to raise the flag asking for help. Simply call or text the next friend on your phone tree and let them know the situation, and remind them to pass it down. Every person should have a phone tree and it should be kept somewhere where at least one family member can find it in case that emergency is yours.

Download a printable phone tree to fill out with your friends

As a GenX’er I’ve been both privileged and cursed as I’ve watched the rise and fall of broadcasting our lives on social media. I’ve also seen what happens when a platform crashes and burns (MySpace anyone?) and people fall out of touch. I’ve seen how fragile digital-only connections can be when real-world events spill over, and I’ve seen how the longest-lasting, most rewarding relationships in my life are the ones that get cared for and nurtured offline. I know life gets hectic and going out of our way to be present for other people is sometimes the last thing we feel like we have energy for, but it’s important to your survival. Consider it self-care and get out and meet people!