I'm Having An Affair... - Shauna WhiskeyChick Castorena

I wake up, pour my coffee, and I immediately rush to check in. What’s the mood today? Are we light & happy, dark & broody, nostalgic, lamenty? Where are we meeting the day emotionally? Will there be some flirtation and physical play or just some time spent focusing on needs and interests? I can’t seem to get enough and I’m loving every minute of it. I used to know this person inside and out, but after life’s recent shakeups it’s like I’m just meeting them again for the first time, and it’s absolutely exhilarating.

I used to be so intimately attuned to the wants and desires of this person that it blinded me to everyone else around. That was back when I was fully single though. Back in my early to mid-twenties, discovering who I was and what was important to me. It’s been a long time since then and so many things have changed. I don’t know what brought me back to this place where all I can think about is reconnecting with that love affair. Maybe it was the years of a slowly fading romance coming to a functional end. Maybe it’s just hormones or an inevitable cougar-like resurgence of my libido. Either way, it feels absolutely delightful.

I am having an affair… with myself.

This experience of rediscovering myself is something I go through after every major milestone in my life. I revisit my favorite music until it leads me to discover something new that excites me. I reclaim every inch of my body so that the most loving touch I receive is my own. I indulge in savory treats and small joys and simply doing nothing for a while. I restore the rituals that remind me who I am and give me confidence in my own skin… in my sense of self.

And yes, I’ll admit there’s a certain thrill in it—the clandestine nature of sneaking away to focus entirely on myself, the guilty pleasure of self-satisfaction. Who needs a secret rendezvous in a hotel room in a faraway city when I can stay home, put a record on, light a candle, and remember what it feels like to be desired? Especially desired by me.

It’s not that I’m trying to erase the past, or “reset” my dopamine. It’s more like filling the newly empty spaces in my head and heart with the small reminders that I am a whole, loving, passionate, and wonderful person without having to see proof of it reflected in anyone else’s eyes. It’s about not letting recent heartache reshape or blur who I think I am. Who I want to be.

There’s a strange freedom that comes with the collapse of old routines. When your newly-unencumbered time doesn’t belong to anyone else. When you aren’t accommodating someone else’s preferences or feelings, or schedules, or lifestyles. It’s uncomfortable and the loss is definitely felt, but there’s an opportunity there that shouldn’t be missed. That window—where everything feels broken and unsettled—is also the perfect time to try new things. You can ask yourself questions you may have ignored: What do I actually WANT to do this weekend? What rhythms feel good in my mornings? Which songs make my skin crawl or my eyes roll, and which ones work me up or make me want to dance? How do I want to be touched now? That’s not just healing; it’s experimentation. It’s the rehearsal space for who you might dream of becoming next.

I know once I reacquaint myself WITH myself, the deeper work begins because I’ve been through this before. The work will start on incorporating all I have learned from those recent milestones into who I want to become down the road.

I’ll take the lessons and happy moments and swirl them in with the plans and ideas I already have, and I’ll slowly let go of everything that didn’t work. I’ll update my list of red flags, and my non-negotiables. My bare minimums will rise and I will never accept less than these new standards created for my head, heart, and body. Because if I treat myself with tenderness and respect, why would I accept anything less from anyone else?

And it isn’t just about romance. Knowing yourself inside and out, in the most intimate and unflinching ways transforms everything. Friendships get easier, because you’re less likely to contort yourself into someone else’s expectations. Work gets clearer, because you know what drains you and what lights you up. Even small choices, like how you spend a Saturday afternoon, carry more joy because they come from a place of intention rather than default or obligation.

So I have to ask you… would you make a good lover to yourself? Do you know what gestures soften you, what words heal you, what rituals restore you? Can you light your own fire? Could you keep yourself interested, satisfied, and stimulated (pun intended)? If not, maybe it’s time to find out.

Because here’s what I’ve learned: an affair with yourself isn’t selfish, it’s foundational. It’s what allows you to show up in healthier relationships later, to build stronger friendships, and to craft a life that actually feels like yours. It’s how you take the best pieces of the past… the lessons, the laughter, even the heartbreak… and use them to create the best version of yourself moving forward.

So yes, I’m having an affair with myself. And I am, without a doubt, the best rebound I could ever ask for.